Driving Miss Daisy

It’s fair to say that I am known for cutting it close as regards checking in at the airport…. According to the people I work with “my impatience gene dominates common sense”

Billie Travel Rule #1: if the plane is taking off at 3pm, one should arrive no earlier than 2.30pm…as such, Halle, my ever suffering voice of reason, rarely leaves me to my own devices when traveling to/ from shows!!!!…Ah the joys of good management!

However, me thinks she is a little over cautious, or more to the point I thought she was until a few weeks ago...

Once upon a time there was an 3 headed, wart ridden Witch (Halle!) who wanted to punish the virgin princess of “We’re-Late” land (me!) for refusing to do her evil bidding…

Lets begin…

Allegedly, I was scheduled to take the 2pm domestic flight from LA to San Diego – so Halle being Halle, had my ass in her car at 12pm, even though we were only going to Burbank Airport, which at worst is only 20 minutes away from my 800ft mansion in the Hollywood hills (mansion being a very subjective term!!)

Just to be clear when I say “ only 2O minutes” I do mean 20 minutes. Seriously, I could get decked up as Cat woman, lose the weight needed to wear said outfit, save the world from certain doom, and shoot a cable TV version of Tolstoy’s War and Peace on location, in the frozen depths of Russia and still get to Burbank in twenty minutes! But oh no, little miss “Now, Billie Myers, you don’t want to miss the plane, do you?” needs to get me to the airport an hour and half early...

Whilst, I am tempted, to childishly retort, “Yes Halle, I do want to miss the plane”, I don’t. Nope, being the laid- back, easy to work with, even tempted angelic picture of innocence that I am (Halle don’t roll your eyes) I get into her bird poop covered car, and sulk. Now, I don’t mind bird poop, after all according to ancient British belief it’s a sign of good fortune, BUT I do mind that she’s looking all “cat got the cream” smug- which to be frank, annoys the hell out of me. As a result I start bitching up a storm as to the unreasonableness of getting to Burbank airport nearly an hour and a half before a domestic flight.

I mean what the hell. Does she think my carry-on will be perceived as some sort of terrorist threat that might require 2 burley security guards to give me an hour-long cavity search? Or Maybe, she thinks that I’m going to have a “God is truth, truth is God” epiphany En route, and need 40 days and 40 nights to come to terms with being the second coming?

I have to confess once I start on a tirade I do go on, and on. until I get a reaction- but again Halle knows me too well ... No reaction from her. Nada. Nothing. Zip. Not even a sidelong glance. Ignoring me completely (the worst of all punishments) she concentrates on driving, passing the odd random comment along the way, “Did you see Nip/Tuck last night? How’s Frank doing since he moved? Can you believe Hilary lost?” Then out of nowhere she nonchalantly says “oh, and by the way the flight isn’t at 2pm is at 3pm!”... Now given that I was already put out to be arriving 90minutes early you can imagine that getting to the airport 2 and half hours early, just about did me in.... I was fit to be tied, but there was nothing I could do...she had me held hostage in her Jetta.

Pissed, I sank to the lowest of the low, and started going on about her driving. Her Achilles heel! ...Does she think she’s still in New York? Is there a grand prix going on that I am unaware of? Could she stop changing lanes, as the swerving is making me travel sick! Hey presto! Right on cue, she reacted... Getting all lead foot on the break she tells me in no uncertain terms that next time I can drive my ungrateful ass to the @@$#@ airport.

Then POW!... The car had an Asthma attack. Rattling to a dead stop on the outside lane of the 101, her car took it upon itself to let me know who’s side its on...and it wasn’t mine.

Clearly St. Catherine of Alexandria, the patron saint of mechanics had had enough of my juvenile needling and had taken it upon herself to teach me a lesson. Stuck on the outside lane, the low pitched purr that had previously denoted the simple joy of carefree driving was replaced by the impatient sound of other drivers horning horns while yelling out a storm of bilingual expletives, hand gestures and all.

Halle frantically keeps trying the but to no avail… will a “told you so look of condescending amusement” Halle instructs me to get out and push the car over to the hard shoulder whilst she steers…so despite that fact that it was 100+ degrees outside and I was heels, out I get…

With hindsight I realize I must have made for a pathetic sight…. it didn’t even never occurred to me to take the heels off.

Halle calls for a towing service, who gives her the box standard we’ll be there in 20 mins routine. With no water and no air-conditioning, and a deleted supply of patience we’re dying a slow death (very English Patient Style) Honesty I began seeing floating air conditioners on the horizon.

50 mins. later and still no tow …Halle calls again only to be given the 2nd most over used service lie ever- “Sorry for the delay madam, we have been usually busy today”
Another 40 go by by, Halle calls again to be told lie number #3 “the truck is on his way”…. We wait and wait…Another 25 mins go by. Even ever patient Halle is getting irritable, so irritable in fact that she stomps over to the car and attempts to turn the engine one more time, …and yes you already know what happened the bugger started first time round…not a hiccup…not a rattle, just a gentle purr into action.

Giddy with gratefulness I jumped into the car, ready to roll and ramble on about the tow truck, telling her she was smart to try again...only to hear a very smug Halel say

“That’s why you should always give yourself extra time getting to the airport….”

In other words I told you so!!!!

Rihanna V...?

There is no doubt it’s very disturbing, and Chris Brown needs rehab AND a long prison term.  However, regarding Rihanna, sure it would be great if she did understand that by actively courting a young female fan base, predicated upon her being independent and strong that she has a certain moral obligation to uphold those standards, by standing up and saying this is unacceptable. HOWEVER, I don't feel we should be judging HER so harshly for not doing so; after all she is the victim here.  Expecting her to become a poster for domestic abuse might be expecting a bit too much from a 21yr old. At the most private of times abuse presents many emotional obstacles for the victim to overcome, and as such and I can’t even begin to fathom how much the public scrutiny surrounding this disgusting display of violence may have possibly hindered her ability to do the right thing. Sadly, we still live in a society where unacceptable attitudes towards domestic violence are embedded generations deep with the stigma of being a victim shrouded in secrecy and/or shame, or in some way shape or form looked over.

 And if you don’t think that’s the case then, why does Chris Brown still have sponsors? Why did Nickelodeon keep him on their award shortlist even after protests from parents? Spokesman Dan Martinsen said: "Chris Brown was nominated by kids several months ago based on his body of work as a performer, and the kids who vote will ultimately decide who wins in the category.” Blah blah blah. (Bless Chrissie boy for taking his name off of the shortlist...can anyone say ‘PR spin’??) Why are Kayne West’s' supportive outpourings of we should “give Chris a break” acceptable?  My personal favorite nugget of boys club stupidity is courtesy of Suge knight, “I'm a ride with him a thousand percent on whatever it is, period.”...Even FACEBOOK has a support Chris Brown page, where people are blaming Rihanna....

 So lets point the finger of blame in ALL the right directions, and not, even unconsciously, at the victim....

In The Beginning

LOL, I have been told to “Embrace modern day technology”, which for someone who still prefers writing in pencil as opposed to tapping out lyrics on a keyboard is a little bit of a stretch...But here goes...let the blog entries begin!

First let me throw this out there to you (ummm of course it could be that my egotistical assumption of universal interest in my life, might well be overly hopeful) what is it you’d like to read about.... sure I can talk only about my self but I can’t help but think that that is a little narcissistic, No?

So step #1 is for you to let me know, what might be of interest to you?

Day to day, I think its fair to say I’m not short of an opinion or two, which is sure to cause a few “oh no she didn’t just say that!” politically incorrect moments. But I can stand the heat...I think!

So lets start here....

10 Things I like:

1) Damages (Glen close is so intimidating)
2) Fried egg sandwiches
3) Jeans that are at least 2 inches too long...they make your legs look longer!
4) Purple
5) Playing devils advocate, (especially with people who have a strong point of view, without having any information to back it up!)
6) Sinead O’Connor
7) 4- ply toilet paper
8) The quote “Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before” Mae West.
9) Thrift stores...there’s nothing like a bargain
10) Leaving the gym!


10 Things that really annoy me! (Sounds like a miley Cyrus song!)

1) Gerkins, (pickles)
2) Trying to catch a cab in NYC, in the rain
3) Limewire and other piracy sites that pretend they’re legit.
4) Waiting for my Mac to boot up
5) People smoking round me
5) Violence in general (Chris brown are you reading this?)
6) Text messaging...unless you require a yes/no or maybe answer don’t bother...just call me!
7) A friend of mine who thinks its hilarious to have “Hello, can you hear me” as her ring tone (.... and of course it always rings when we’re at a group dinner! leaving me mortified.... not least when someone says “god don’t you just hate that song!” - yes that has happened!)
8) People who say” I love you” at the drop of a hat.
9) Snakes
10) The fact that I can’t spell.