What can I say; here I am in the UK.

What can I say; here I am in the UK. A place of many delights, picturesque villages with rather idiosyncratic names, such as “Fiddlers Elbow”, Shakespeare, fish and chips, Footballer’s Wives, pubs with warm beer and of course rain!

Despite heartfelt promises to the contrary, from Archie, my well-intentioned fashion guru friend who guaranteed me sun-drenched days, piercing blue skies and happy shiny people running around in tees, shorts, and sandals attached to white legs that glow in the dark - all I have witnessed is rain, rain and more rain.

I know what you are thinking, it's England for god's sake, of course its going to bucket down all of the time, but for heavens sake its summer! Not even a glimpse of sunshine, have I felt, unless you count the irritatingly happy advert depicting Mr. happy sunbeam himself decked out in full Sunday best regalia leaping from a bowl of bran flakes telling you to “start your morning off right!”

I know I’m here to write but really what’s a girl to do –the hair's flat, and I’m having to wear the same 2 pair of jeans and jumpers pretty much every day, because they’re the only weather appropriate items in the suitcase.

The good news is, dreary, drizzle laden, days of doom and gloom are good for the creative juices…ok I might be over stating the situation a bit but you get sad flat haired picture. Actually whilst I’m thinking about it, can anyone out there provide me with a recommendation for a styling product that doesn’t make me resemble a drowned rat when wet???

Consequently, a heartbreakingly depressing song has been penned, appropriately called “I hope your Happy now!”…A real gem me thinks!

Co-written with two amazing writers, Dee Adam and Jane Dobbins, the lyric did start out as an uplifting “I want to be where ever you are – you are great- love is sublime” type of thing, full of longing and eternal yearning. Blah, blah, blah…Jane was determined to get me to be romantically optimistic for a change, and I must confess, for one misguided second I was swayed…. But then she made a terrible mistake – she left the room for a cigarette.

Dee and I were ruthless. Out went the poignantly positive sentiment, and in came the slit your wrists, life is a bitch rhetoric. In 5 minutes flat the song was lyrically redirected (Now, that’s a good term!) into a slightly angry song that recalled the woes of being dumped! Poor Jane was shell-shocked; when she returned, when she asked us a how it this 360° turn happened – we of course BLAMED THE RAIN….

Ummm, thinking about Rain has served me well to date…I think I kissed it a few years back- and that turned out to be a huge result!!!!

If I’m lucky it’ll rain tomorrow too! Fingers crossed!

Bx

Travel Diary: Day 1

Travel Diary: Billie Myers - Day One Pop diva reports from the deck of RSVP’s Caribbean Fantasy Vacation 02.27.07

By Duane Wells

She took the music biz and the charts by storm nearly six years ago with the smash single “Kiss The Rain” and now UK Native Billie Myers is back with the provocative chart-topping single “Just Sex”. This week the stingingly talented Myers becomes the first artist to take part in “Travel Diaries”, a new series of travel adventures documented and written by our favorite celebs as they occur from wherever they happen to be in the world. On February 25, Oscar Sunday, Billie Myers boarded RSVP Vacations Caribbean Fantasy Cruise where she had one very special Oscar Night experience that involved names like Manny Lehman, Kristine W. and Kimberly S.. Here’s Billie in her own delightful words to tell you all about it, one vodka cocktail at a time:

Billie Myers Travel Diary – RSVP Caribbean Fantasy Vacation Cruise (Day 1) All aboard …
…Given that the only vessel I’ve traveled by sea in has been more along the lines of a row boat, the sheer size of this ship is daunting!

But before I begin this diary it would be remiss of me not to confess that cruise preparation is a bitch! …I couldn’t make a decision to save my life, so I took the easy way out, and over packed. The poor baggage chap visibly blanched when he picked up my cases… I knew it was bad when American Airlines demanded $75 overweight charges on one case and $50 on the other! … At this point you should know I am only here for 3 FULL DAYS!

A Costco size box of Dramamine, four bikini’s, two rather fabulous long cocktail dresses for formal wear evening, shorts, jeans, skirts, tops of every variation, jewelry, water wings (I can’t swim), flip flops in every color, boots, hair dyer/diffuser and curl taming products, sun lotions and potions, more t-shirts and jeans …by now I think you get the idea.

…Of course, the most important part of my preparation process was a diet…the prospect of hanging out with 3,500 gay chaps is a sure fire motivation!

All aboard … Cruise virgins to the left.

1ST Raspberry, Vodka and seven-up…
…From the get go a code word was required for hotties…. Andrew and Kelly, my gorgeous cohorts in cruise-crime and I went though a few terms. I thought Pina Colada was cute. Clearly appalled, they gasped, instinctively slapped one hand across their lips and yelled, “too girly!” Needless to say I had failed my first test…they came up with the terms “ a shot of Jack”…. I thought we should add “ a 12 bottle box of Jack”, because I kid you not, some of the chiseled bodies sauntering by, defied definition.

2nd Raspberry, Vodka and seven-up…
Of course it rained as we departed. …However I was assured, by Andrew, this was a good luck sign, and not as I feared a precursor to the Titanic! What’s a girl to do? …. Stand in a corner and try to keep dry, or forego the hair and make- up and dance? …Well this one found James a strapping 6ft go-go dancer who just happened to be going commando in a pair of white shorts, that begged a “how wet is see through” contest! Ever obliging, I of course patted him down to transparent, and fended off his many admirers….

3rd Raspberry, Vodka and seven-up….
…. And then enters mixing royalty! Manny Lehman in all is buffed up glory. Given that I had never met him before, I begged to be introduced and then stammered my way through a gushing “hello…I’m a huge fan… that Brokeback Mountain remix is genius”. Clearly being cool is not my strong point! I have the thrill of performing with him on Tuesday and in all honesty I am panic stricken…but he’s turns out to be an absolute doll with a sense of rhythm directly from Puerto Rico!


4th Raspberry, Vodka and seven-up
No power nap for me, the Oscars were being shown via satellite at 8pm…. No one was going to miss the divine Ellen is all her glory. Although by now food was not so appealing to me, given that the boat was swaying and I was a smidge tidily, a quick dinner at one of the numerous restaurants was a must. Choices, choices, I don’t think I've seen so much food in one place ever!

Four hours of hysterical Oscar commentary kept us distracted from some of the agonizingly lackluster speeches. The highlight of the night was of course Jennifer Hudson winning …the hoots, screams, and standing ovation was raucous.

By 1 a.m. I had officially lost count of the number of raspberry, vodka and seven-ups I had downed. Whilst this might be hard to believe, I hardly ever drink, but the contagiousness of “what goes on at sea stays at sea” is hard to resist.

Now you would think that would be the end of a long day right? …. No, not when you have Kimberly S. spinning up a storm 3 decks up! ….Every time my feet would demand I sit my sorry ass down, she’d play another song that overrode my better judgment! And then just when I was about to leave the dance diva Kristine W. walked in and another drink had to be had! Honestly I am not sure what time I finally crawled into to bed… but whenever it was, all I know is I had fun!


Find out more about Billie Myers by visiting her website, www.billiemyers.com. And don't forget to check out her Top Ten Billboard single "Just Sex" which is burning up dance floors from coast to coast.

Travel Diary: Day 2

Travel Diary: Billie Myers - Day Two Pop diva reports from the deck of RSVP’s Caribbean Fantasy Vacation 02.28.07

By Duane Wells


After dancing her way into the way hours of the morning on her first night aboard RSVP’s Caribbean Fantasy Cruise, our pop star travel diaries documentarian, Billie Myers, continued to live it up on day two of her cruise, enjoying designs by Andrew Christian, a deck awash with chiseled studs, more dance floor throbbing sounds from Manny Lehman and a very special performance from the one and only Thelma Houston along the way. Here’s Billie’s Day 2 in her own words yet again.

Billie Myers RSVP Caribbean Fantasy Vacation (Day 2)
… Ok I woke up a little worse for wear; clearly I cannot keep up with this crowd. Any way, no matter how bad I feel, there is always one thing guaranteed to make me smile …A gift. Yes I know that may be shallow but it is one of the most delectable perks of being a performer! As ‘iffy’ as I initially felt, the sight of jewelry at my door dramatically improved my mood! A gorgeous rosary made by Cruz Azur (www.cruzazur.com) had been dropped off along with some fab shirts and a dress from men's wear designer Andrew Christian (www.andrewchristian.com) designed just for this girl!

Breakfast was a little bit of a nightmare. Given that my stomach was still soaking up the vodka from the night before. …Cereal was the most obvious choice. However when surrounded by a plethora of pancakes, pastries, and fried variations of everything unhealthy, I of course did not do cereal …instead a couple of sugar coated muffins forced themselves into my mouth… I suspect I am going to leave this cruise somewhat heavier than I was when I came on.

Given that I had awoken at 11am, I sadly missed the 10am line dancing lessons… Seriously Kelly, who happens to be from Texas had spent at least an hour yesterday preparing me. But it wasn’t to be. Disappointed, I decided to “tan” my sorrows.

Just as a side note, I also noticed I’d missed a lecture on the basics of gay estate planning and a talk by a chap from Wachovia securities. Now am I the only one who thinks that’s bit strange? …Could you imagine saying to your partner, "Let’s go on a cruise and really get hot and bothered by financial planning?”…Not my idea of a horny night out on the town, but everybody to their own!

So following the music, Andrew, Kelly and I wandered toward the pool. After what felt like a 4-mile walk... this ship is long… I pushed open the door to the pool area and literally walked into Gay-boy heaven! Good lord is all I can say! Everywhere I looked there was someone who looked like they had walked off the pages of Vogue. Andrew, clearly delighted by this find, looked like child who’d just been told that he could go to ‘Toys R Us’ and help himself to anything!

Let me tell you if anything is going to make you self-conscious, try walking across a pool area adorned by bodily perfection. I swear I promised God I would go to church every day, stand before a nun, never sleep with a woman again and give birth to the second coming if he could just get me get across to the other side of the pool area without my bikini bottoms crawling in-between my butt cheeks… The shame would have seen me back to my room for the rest of the cruise!

The pool party was in full swing! ….I suspect some of the boys may have not actually slept at all. …Shocker!

As for me, once Andrew and Kelly had found the most “visibly advantageous” lounge chairs for us to lie on, (who knew it could be so hard to find the right area) I promptly fell back to sleep for a couple of hours…woke up, ate a chicken burger…. and then fell asleep again
…. By the way, why aren’t more woman aboard this ship? …Also I am a little confused by this whole top/ bottom thing …Andrew has tried to explain how he “just knows” that some of the most beefy chaps at the pool are bottoms….

I would have thought it’d be the other way round. Maybe if I’m really lucky there will be a lecture on this very subject later in the week, but if not, then Kelly and Andrew are going to have to educate me. Of course I am trying to fathom which way they go, as I write!

Okay, to the evening. It was formal wear night. Everybody was decked out in cocktail gowns or black tie. Admittedly some of the most spectacular cocktail dresses were being worn by some of the pool boy Adonis’ I’d been transfixed by earlier, which did give a whole new definition to the whole “I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.”

By midnight, any and all formalities were literally being shed. On deck 15, Manny was rocking the Red and Hot party, and as the name suggests it was blistering. For my part I have to confess I whimped out. Andrew and Kelly had taken it upon themselves to find my Red outfit…so up to there room I went…. and there on the bed was the smallest pair of red shorts and a top.

Words failed me. Firstly, I’d had been lucky if I could have gotten an arm in the shorts let alone a thigh, and secondly, the top consisted of a piece of string with strategically placed knots to cover my nipples. They tried all means of persuasive flattery to get me to at least try the ensemble on, but to no avail. All I could do was laugh.

So rather boringly, I wore a red T-shirt and jeans. Whilst I may have lacked the courage to be adventurous--others did not… fireman in skintight uniforms, devils with horns and well placed boas, short togas, and almost naked chaps covered in red body paint were the norm.
We knew that Thelma Houston was performing but no one was quite sure as to when, so when she walked on stage all hell broke loose! The poor thing had had a hell of a trip to get aboard. Bad weather had caused her plane to be delayed, cancelled, and then delayed again, and as if that weren’t enough, her luggage went astray! But ever the trooper, she walked on to the stage as if nothing had happened. She was so funny about the whole incident. What a voice and entertainer… she belted out a medley of Motown hits, new stuff and of course ‘Don’t Leave Me This Way.’ She had the audience in the palm of her hands from the get go. Absolutely amazing, a true diva…. Of course, given that I am supposed to be on that very same stage tomorrow night I am now a nervous wreck… nothing like having to follow a true Diva.

Exhausted, I was in bed comparatively early (3 AM)…now I should point out that as I write this…this morning…Kelly has made it back to his room…


Find out more about Billie Myers by visiting her website, www.billiemyers.com. And don't forget to check out her Top Ten Billboard single "Just Sex" which is burning up dance floors from coast to coast.

Travel Diary: Day 3

Travel Diary: Billie Myers Day three of the pop diva’s Caribbean Fantasy Vacation 03.02.07

By Duane Wells

Did you miss day two of Billie's Caribbean adventure? Check out the drinking, the dancing and the drama here before moving on to day three. It’s day 3 of Billie Myers’ RSVP Caribbean Fantasy Vacation and that means its performance day for the pop diva. Follow along as Myers preps for her big night on stage by soliciting twin dancers and tearing through her wardrobe for the perfect ensemble to dazzle the queens on deck.


Billie Myers RSVP Caribbean Fantasy Vacation Day 3

This is a hard diary entry because I already know the ending… It’s show day, so of course I woke up in a blind panic, which by the time you finish reading this you will realize was not so completely misplaced!

Well given that I was due on stage later, my first point of call was an hour by the pool… in my mind I’m thinking a book, coffee and peace and quiet. After all it’s barely 10:30 am. Wrong! There were already quite few boys lounging, cocktail in one hand and suntan lotion in the other. Even at this time of day, they still look like models… how come I don’t wake up looking like that? Or how come I’ve never woken up with someone who looks that that…umm come to think it there was that time in Mexico…

In theory, who’d think getting a chair wouldn’t be easy at this time of the morning, but no--the towel cheats had beaten me to the good chairs! Everywhere I looked there were striped blue towels laughing at my lack of preparation. How could I have forgotten rule number one. If you want to get a well-positioned chair that drowns you in sunshine all day, then place a towel on said prime location the night before.

Now it’s not that I haven’t partaken in this time honored towel-placing ritual myself, but at that moment I was pissed! What should I do? Risk life and limb by feigning ignorant innocence or simply bite the bullet and go up a few decks. I knew most of the chairs wouldn’t have actual bodies sprawled across them until at least 1pm! Inside my head the Clash are happily taunting me with a sneering rendition. “Should I stay or should I go now… if I go there could be trouble, but if I stay there could be double...”

Alas I’m a coward, so the towels stayed untouched, and I went up the decks, hoping, hope upon hope that a couple of those “reserved” towels belong to Kelly or Andrew… yes I know I’m such a hypocrite!

As it happens, it turned out to be a nice change of pace sitting up high, away from the pool. As the day progressed I found myself getting more and more nervous… my stomach felt like a pound of jumping beans having a rave, and I kept getting dry mouth.

Andrew tried to take my mind off the show by continuing my education on how to spot a top/bottom, or a flexible, all of which is a minefield of contradictions. After a few minutes I quickly came to the conclusion that everyone should simply wear a nametag… “Hello my name is Kelly and I’m a proud…” And while I’m on the subject of Kelly… he’d still had not made an appearance…

At about 4pm I had a brainwave. I needed to procure dancers for one of the songs I’m performing, "Just Sex". Looking around there was no shortage of gorgeous men, but who would do it? Ever helpful, Andrew went off on a scout hunt or should I say a cruise hunt, and came back with twins …and not just any ‘ole set of twins either. They were beyond beautiful, and as it happened dancers… Eric and Derrick, perfect!

6pm - Kelly still hasn’t appeared so of course I am convinced that he must have fallen overboard. Little do I know that this is in fact a good sign of a night well had!

Sound-check time arrived and all went well. Monitors sounded great, microphone didn’t pick up any errant radio stations and Eric and Derrick arrive on time. When they asked me what I’d like them to wear, I was about to ponder the question, when without missing a beat Andrew said “Only underwear.” Now, it’s not that I disagreed with him but goodness sake he could have at least pretended to give the question thought. Towards the end of sound check Kelly appeared, with what can only be described as a self-satisfied smile on his face... Allegedly nothing happened during those missing 11hrs… yeah, yeah, yeah, and I’m Mother Theresa in drag. Thank heavens for alcohol is all I can say, because after a few shots to drink himself sober, he became a lot more forthcoming. He’d woken up with a pair of underpants in his bed--and they weren’t his… need I say more? With only a couple of hours between sound-check and performance I went back to my room and tried on outfit after outfit. I’d gone shopping just before I arrived on the ship with my friend Francesco, and given that he’d walked me up and down Melrose looking for “anything but jeans!” believe me I had choices…

I tried on the pink sequined pants and wool top, but it seemed a little Vegas. Then I tried on a black mini with knee high boots, but got a Paris/Britney premonition. Then I tried on a leather bustier, which I swear fit me when I bought it. However my breasts seemed reluctant to hold up their end of the bargain… in a nutshell my boobs were not big enough to hold it firm! One wrong move and the whole thing could have fallen to my waist.

So despite all of the new outfits, I went for a simple black pants and sheer top combo.
11:45 arrived and I went down I go to the stage area. The DC cowboys are just finishing up and the crowd was cheering… then I heard welcome to the stage Billie Myers….”

Now at this point I am tempted to gloss over the next 15mins and paint them as a moment of perfection, however things didn’t quite turn out as planned!

I walked on to the stage began singing and promptly sang the wrong words… the second verse of “am I here yet” came flying out of my lips! I wouldn’t have minded but I’ve sung, that song more times that I can count! Now because I was singing to track I didn’t really have much room for maneuver …so the when the second verse began I of course sing the first verse to compensate! ..Arghhhh

Then came “Just Sex”… Eric and Derrick were a dream. The audience was transfixed …and then, to add even more naughtiness to the scene I dragged Kelly and James onto he stage. (Remember the guy in the wet white shorts?). Before I could say “voodoo blue” Kelly was writhing on top of Eric, and James and Kelly were in a position I’d never seen before. They really gave a visual presentation of the song that even left me a little hot--sorry boys I know that will flip you out!



Of course the song that got the crowd moving and singing was "Kiss the Rain"… And me being me, I thought I’d be all adventurous and climb over the stage banister into the crowd. This wasn’t a good move given that underneath the stage was a pool, so imagine my horror when my boot (4in heels please) got caught on the railings mid--climb. Now as cool as I was trying to be I’m sure a few people must have noticed my graceless maneuver. It’s a mere stroke of luck I didn’t find myself in the water. Then it was over!

Now you’d think, my nerves would calm down after a show, but they never do. At that point all I can ever think about is all the things I didn’t get right… that is, until the tequila kicks in.

Having never sung on a moving ship before, I have to confess it was a little harder than I thought it would be…but I’d definitely do it again.

- For more on Billie Myers, check out her official Web site at www.BillieMyers.com.

Travel Diary: Day 4

Travel Diary: Billie Myers Day Four of the Pop Diva’s Caribbean Fantasy Vacation
03.05.07

By Duane Wells


Before you join us on our last day of Billie's travel diary, make sure you're caught up on all of her Caribbean adventures. Click here to play catch up.

As she wraps up day four, which also sadly happens to be the last day, of her RSVP Caribbean Fantasy Vacation, Billie Myers ruminates about everything from what she’d do if her RSVP cuise ship went down like the Titanic to her short-term bout with hetero-phobia on the island of St. Maarten to watching former American Idol, Kimberley Locke, performing in her underwear on the final night of the cruise at the highly anticipated Stripped and Ripped party. Despite the candor and uproarious observations that have defined all of her travel diary entries to date, Billie tears into her final day with relish, in the process delivering her funniest entry to date. Read on and get ready to pee your pants laughing as Miss Billie tells it like it is!

Billie Myers RSVP Caribbean Fantasy Vacation Day 4 ..My last day
There are many nice ways to wake a girl up, but let me tell you that a high pitched wailing sound followed by a radio unfriendly voice repeating ”this is a crew drill… Please don’t panic” is not one of them.

I’ve watched the Titanic numerous times. I know the song to sing as the ship goes down. I know the folly of getting locked in your room because you’re a stowaway. I’ve reenacted the “I’m the king of the world” scene off my balcony (sadly, Kate Winslet, was a no show for my Oscar worthy performance). I know that being a woman should work to my advantage…after all women and children get first dibs on the lifeboats.
Now I emphasize the word should here because I’m pretty sure that all of the chaps onboard could get really girly real quick if the need arises!

Food for thought. Did anyone else notice that none of the black folks on the Titanic ever made it to the lifeboats? Oh no... they bravely sang jazz tunes in tuxedos while the white folks jumped ship. Call me quirky, but the word stereotype springs to mind! I’m mixed race so let me tell you for future reference, the 50% of me that’s black will not be singing 'Kiss The Goddamn Rain' if this ship was going down, no matter how fabulously soundtrack appropriate it might be.

Enough of my ramblings, more importantly the ship had docked in St. Maarten, which of course meant an excursion. But which one? The butterfly farm? An island tour? Or a trip in a glass bottomed boat around the coral reef? Choices, choices!
The butterfly farm was a definite NO! Kelly thought an Island tour could be fun, but let’s be honest. St. Maarten is beautiful, but it’s only 27 square miles. How much could there possibly be to see? So despite the fact that all three of us were happy to be on land, we decided on the glass-bottomed boat…

You all know there is a certain indelible shame to being “a tourist” but we held our heads high. The boys needed a more seaworthy outfit change, so half an hour later we arrived at the departure point, 15 minutes late. By the way as far as I could tell this 30-minute wardrobe change only consisted of putting caps on….

As we got onto the bus we were all too aware that we were in the proverbial doghouse because we had held everyone up. Heads down we tried to look suitably apologetic but it was all too much. Shock…horror…the entire bus was full of straight people! Now its not that any of us are hetero-phobic, but having been on a ship, made up of 3,500 gay people for three days, it was simply weird to find a forgotten alien race looking at us so knowingly!

Between my bright green RSVP rucksack and Kelly’s deliberate sway of the hips, I think they knew we were “different”. But credit where credit is due, we really were victims of our own paranoia, and everyone was friendly…. although there was a moment of stunned silence when a lovely old couple, from Michigan (they were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary) asked Andrew and I how long we’d been dating!

Being on a glass bottom boat is like snorkeling without getting wet, which is great for me, seeing as I can’t swim and have a fear of sharks. The sight of marine life simply moving along without human interference is truly breathtaking. Andrew, who used to run the Miami aquarium, became the on-board tour guide, pointing out every species of fish and coral while Kelly entertained the kids and looked for Nemo-which I have to say was most endearing…especially since later on he’d been partying in his underwear with a couple of thousand other men adhering to the same dress code.

I have to confess out of all the themed events on the cruise, this was one I’d been mischievously anticipating, and I wasn’t disappointed! At this point I think you need to glance at the pictures I took. They say more than words. Stripped and Ripped…
There is something about dancing in your undies that levels the playing field. Everywhere I looked there were men in all kinds of get ups having a great time. Tightie whities seemed to be the favored style of choice, but the more intrepid wore sequined g-strings, leather jock straps, or mesh contraptions made of chains.

As much as I’d like to fabricate a story about my outfit being made up of 2 strips of black sticky tape across each boob and a leather eye path across my waxed nether regions, I can’t. It grieves me to confess that I failed the ultimate gay-boy gal pal test. I was a total flake…I kept my clothes on!

However Kimberly Locke was much more in tune with the crowd. She came on stage and meticulously entertained. Given that she could sing the telephone directory and make it sound like a Burt Bacharach song, the crowd was quite rightly at her feet. But then just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, she decided she was over dressed and promptly dropped her dress to the floor and performed the rest of her set in her underwear…which for the detailed reader was black satin.

All I can say is the girl has balls of steel…I can’t imagine that being topped by anyone soon…. Drinks all around!

I’m back on land as I write this. Sadly, my cruise is over. A huge thank you to all of the staff, crew and passengers on RSVP for being such sweethearts and giving me the time of my life and another huge thank you to Duane Wells, GayWired’s Travel & Style Editor, who edited my travel diary, and made me look literate and to Ross von Metzke, the Senior Editor of GayWired who let us do this! Thank you chaps, it was all around wonderful!

Thanks Billie! What a way to kick off our Travel Diaries series. We couldn’t have asked for a more colorful inauguration than the one you've given us. Kimberly Locke won't be the only tough act to follow from these diary entries!

To keep track of Billie now that her diary writing days are complete, be sure to check out her website at www.BillieMyers.com.