Travel Diary: Day 4

Travel Diary: Billie Myers Day Four of the Pop Diva’s Caribbean Fantasy Vacation
03.05.07

By Duane Wells


Before you join us on our last day of Billie's travel diary, make sure you're caught up on all of her Caribbean adventures. Click here to play catch up.

As she wraps up day four, which also sadly happens to be the last day, of her RSVP Caribbean Fantasy Vacation, Billie Myers ruminates about everything from what she’d do if her RSVP cuise ship went down like the Titanic to her short-term bout with hetero-phobia on the island of St. Maarten to watching former American Idol, Kimberley Locke, performing in her underwear on the final night of the cruise at the highly anticipated Stripped and Ripped party. Despite the candor and uproarious observations that have defined all of her travel diary entries to date, Billie tears into her final day with relish, in the process delivering her funniest entry to date. Read on and get ready to pee your pants laughing as Miss Billie tells it like it is!

Billie Myers RSVP Caribbean Fantasy Vacation Day 4 ..My last day
There are many nice ways to wake a girl up, but let me tell you that a high pitched wailing sound followed by a radio unfriendly voice repeating ”this is a crew drill… Please don’t panic” is not one of them.

I’ve watched the Titanic numerous times. I know the song to sing as the ship goes down. I know the folly of getting locked in your room because you’re a stowaway. I’ve reenacted the “I’m the king of the world” scene off my balcony (sadly, Kate Winslet, was a no show for my Oscar worthy performance). I know that being a woman should work to my advantage…after all women and children get first dibs on the lifeboats.
Now I emphasize the word should here because I’m pretty sure that all of the chaps onboard could get really girly real quick if the need arises!

Food for thought. Did anyone else notice that none of the black folks on the Titanic ever made it to the lifeboats? Oh no... they bravely sang jazz tunes in tuxedos while the white folks jumped ship. Call me quirky, but the word stereotype springs to mind! I’m mixed race so let me tell you for future reference, the 50% of me that’s black will not be singing 'Kiss The Goddamn Rain' if this ship was going down, no matter how fabulously soundtrack appropriate it might be.

Enough of my ramblings, more importantly the ship had docked in St. Maarten, which of course meant an excursion. But which one? The butterfly farm? An island tour? Or a trip in a glass bottomed boat around the coral reef? Choices, choices!
The butterfly farm was a definite NO! Kelly thought an Island tour could be fun, but let’s be honest. St. Maarten is beautiful, but it’s only 27 square miles. How much could there possibly be to see? So despite the fact that all three of us were happy to be on land, we decided on the glass-bottomed boat…

You all know there is a certain indelible shame to being “a tourist” but we held our heads high. The boys needed a more seaworthy outfit change, so half an hour later we arrived at the departure point, 15 minutes late. By the way as far as I could tell this 30-minute wardrobe change only consisted of putting caps on….

As we got onto the bus we were all too aware that we were in the proverbial doghouse because we had held everyone up. Heads down we tried to look suitably apologetic but it was all too much. Shock…horror…the entire bus was full of straight people! Now its not that any of us are hetero-phobic, but having been on a ship, made up of 3,500 gay people for three days, it was simply weird to find a forgotten alien race looking at us so knowingly!

Between my bright green RSVP rucksack and Kelly’s deliberate sway of the hips, I think they knew we were “different”. But credit where credit is due, we really were victims of our own paranoia, and everyone was friendly…. although there was a moment of stunned silence when a lovely old couple, from Michigan (they were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary) asked Andrew and I how long we’d been dating!

Being on a glass bottom boat is like snorkeling without getting wet, which is great for me, seeing as I can’t swim and have a fear of sharks. The sight of marine life simply moving along without human interference is truly breathtaking. Andrew, who used to run the Miami aquarium, became the on-board tour guide, pointing out every species of fish and coral while Kelly entertained the kids and looked for Nemo-which I have to say was most endearing…especially since later on he’d been partying in his underwear with a couple of thousand other men adhering to the same dress code.

I have to confess out of all the themed events on the cruise, this was one I’d been mischievously anticipating, and I wasn’t disappointed! At this point I think you need to glance at the pictures I took. They say more than words. Stripped and Ripped…
There is something about dancing in your undies that levels the playing field. Everywhere I looked there were men in all kinds of get ups having a great time. Tightie whities seemed to be the favored style of choice, but the more intrepid wore sequined g-strings, leather jock straps, or mesh contraptions made of chains.

As much as I’d like to fabricate a story about my outfit being made up of 2 strips of black sticky tape across each boob and a leather eye path across my waxed nether regions, I can’t. It grieves me to confess that I failed the ultimate gay-boy gal pal test. I was a total flake…I kept my clothes on!

However Kimberly Locke was much more in tune with the crowd. She came on stage and meticulously entertained. Given that she could sing the telephone directory and make it sound like a Burt Bacharach song, the crowd was quite rightly at her feet. But then just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, she decided she was over dressed and promptly dropped her dress to the floor and performed the rest of her set in her underwear…which for the detailed reader was black satin.

All I can say is the girl has balls of steel…I can’t imagine that being topped by anyone soon…. Drinks all around!

I’m back on land as I write this. Sadly, my cruise is over. A huge thank you to all of the staff, crew and passengers on RSVP for being such sweethearts and giving me the time of my life and another huge thank you to Duane Wells, GayWired’s Travel & Style Editor, who edited my travel diary, and made me look literate and to Ross von Metzke, the Senior Editor of GayWired who let us do this! Thank you chaps, it was all around wonderful!

Thanks Billie! What a way to kick off our Travel Diaries series. We couldn’t have asked for a more colorful inauguration than the one you've given us. Kimberly Locke won't be the only tough act to follow from these diary entries!

To keep track of Billie now that her diary writing days are complete, be sure to check out her website at www.BillieMyers.com.